The new craze that's sweeping the nation

Have you heard about bedbugs? Apparently there has been a massive and disgusting take-over of New York City by these disgusting blood-sucking parasites recently. Word has it they are so common because the pesticides that used to keep them at bay can no longer be purchased by everyday people like us--thus, the bastards have free reign of the city, and they are leaving us scarred and/or terrified, and infesting more buildings by the second.

They have not attacked our apartment yet, but they are in the building. They are not attracted by dirt or grime, so all you filth-mongers need not worry about cleaning up. They are however attracted by Co2. That's right, carbon dioxide; as in the gas you breathe out of your mouth. So...just by breathing you're attracting thousands of these monsters. Right now. And now. They're creeping up to your dorrstep right now.

Oh my god--it's terrifying. The websites suggest you line your bedposts with double sided tape and seal up your mattress in painter's plastic. This all sounds eerily familiar. I seem to recall the Homeland Security dept. offering the same advice about terrorists and the threat of a chemical/biological attack. Perhaps they had an inkling that we'd be attacked from within.

I wish I had some DDT, it may cause birth defects and cancer, but damn-it, at least I'd be safe for another night.
Goodnight and good luck
p.s.
they tend to strike in the hour before dawn (seriously). Gross